Last week I was sick. Stomach flu conjoined with the regular flu, whatever it was – it was awful. And what I learned from this experience is that it takes me about an hour of being alone and feeling crappy to become a completely crappy mom.
I have no patience and it both aggravates and ashames me.
I love my son. He really is the light of my world but on Tuesday night when he lay screaming on the floor “Mama is NOT sick!” at the peak of his lungs? I was very near the edge. The actual tipping point came when he informed me that I was not allowed to take the trash can up the stairs with me because “it belongs down there” -pointing at the bottom step where it has been sitting for the past few days, weeks whatever. At this point of the evening, I had been vomiting about every 15-20 minutes and generally felt like crap. I looked at him, my imposing yet diminutive tyrant and started to cry. Just go up the stairs I thought and then spoke and then yelled. Just go to bed and leave me alone.
I put him in bed, unfortunately after I lost it and yelled at him. Not because he was being particularly difficult or naughty but because I couldn’t take it anymore. I needed to be off of mom duty and onto the couch. He’s three, he doesn’t get it that Mama is ill or needs an off day. He just wants to be his usual bubbly, bouncy, LOUD self.
I know that he will not be scarred by me shouting at him. I realize it does not make me a “bad” mother because I loose my cool occasionally. We all have days, where we are under the weather, overscheduled, overwhelmed and understaffed. But they still suck. I still need to be the adult and the mom and try to make myself be better and be more patient. I need to teach him to be patient and kind and teach that, I have to show him that I can do it as well. We all know that this parenting gig isn’t easy, but some days… it can be so freaking hard.