I’m in an odd place right now. I’m not flying off the handle but I’m not feeling “like I should” either. I’m wondering if I should go back to seeing a counselor again. I haven’t actually seen anyone since a particularly disastrous affair the summer post college. So it’s been eight years. I don’t know if I’m just depressed or what. I’m just sorta sucking everything inward and refusing to deal. This works well with Jeffrey but not so much with all other areas of life.
I’m not taking any meds since I’m pregnant and I’m not so bad that I think I should try playing around with new ones. God knows it took me long enough to find ones that work that I don’t want to spend the next year trying to find something that has acceptable side effects that you can also be pregnant and nursing with.
So, I don’t know. I just feel like I’m staring at a crossroads and I don’t know what direction to take. On one hand, I’ve been doing pretty well the past few years so why mess with it. On the other, while I’ve been doing well, I’ve also had some pretty severe bad patches. I needed to up my medication after we had Jeffrey and lets just say my stress level doesn’t look like it’s going down anytime soon.
I think I need a vacation. Somewhere where I can bury my head in the sand for a little bit and just let everything flow. Work is just ridiculous right now. My supervisor quit, we have a tech that moved into his position but (due to hospital politics) it doesn’t seem like we’re going to be able to start hiring someone until December/January. That means we’re down a person in the lab that was already busting at the seams with work. Also, I’m supposed to be training the next person and really who knows what is going to happen with this pregnancy. I may very well be hanging in until April but who knows? And it’s upping the tension in the whole lab. Add in the floors, regular family crap and just daily life and I really kinda want to hide for a little bit.
Anyway. Maybe I should go back to a counselor? How do I even find one? Brian isn’t a big fan of counseling and the time and cost it incurs. I’m not sure. I just want to feel happy for a bit. I’m a big fan of happy and it just seems like it’s been harder and harder to eake out.