What if?

27 Jun

Do you ever question the decisions you’ve made in the course of your life? Ever wonder what the path would look like if you had taken a different fork? It’s something I like to think about sometimes and replay where I am in my life. It’s just interesting to see the spots where I made a decision and then everything changed.

For instance, what if I had never moved to Rochester? Chosen Duquesne University instead of U or R for graduate school? Would I have finished the program? Maybe I would be a PhD right now instead of a laboratory technician. Maybe I’d be making more money and living in the city I grew up in instead of the snowy slopes of New York.
Except then I would never have met Brian.
And I really truly believe I was meant to find him here. I don’t want to imagine my life without him. He’s made me a better person and has made me more accepting of my limitations and who exactly I am. My family adores him, my life would be less bright without him and I wouldn’t have Jeffrey. And I would cross hot coals and fight whatever needs fighting for my son. He is easily the greatest thing I have ever created.

What if I hadn’t gone to Wilson?  I don’t believe that I would be the person I am today without that little college. When I began there I had no confidence and I was just so damaged emotionally. I was engaged to an incredibly possessive and potentially abusive man. I don’t think I would have gotten away without the confidence and strength I gained there. Also it’s the first place that I got into real therapy and began to “fix” some of the emotional crap I was carrying around.

And that’s the biggest what if of all. What if the emotional “crap” hadn’t happened. I know I haven’t talked about it here. Mostly because I know my family reads and they don’t need to go through it all. But someday I’m putting it all out there and laying claim to it. I need to. I need to say that I am still a decent person and that I have thrived despite bad things happening. I need to look at my parents and let them know how fabulous they are for supporting MY decisions and letting me have control in situations that were beyond my grasp. I need to be able to say that I am a survivor and that bad situations don’t define what type of person you can become.

I want to be able to say that I like who I am and that the road that got me here is acceptable. I believe that the experiences we have in life mold us and push us toward who we will become. As much as I think I’d like to know who I would be if experiences were different? I wouldn’t be me. And slowly, over many years (and Brian wearing down on me) I am beginning to think that I am okay. True, I am hyper-emotional and occasionally a bitch, but I’m also focused, strong and when I love someone (be you friend or family) I will never let go and you will always have someone to turn to.

This really didn’t turn into the post I had intended but it went where I needed to to go. I’m off my meds and my emotions are making me reflective and whatnot.


Posted by on June 27, 2008 in food for thought, General


4 responses to “What if?

  1. Jen Brugger and Victoria

    June 30, 2008 at 2:01 pm

    I looked back at every decision I made, especially before and after each child…all the what if’s got to be too much for me and I would spend the night crying. Ultimately you are right, you are a better person for what you went through, the good bad and the ugly. You are an amazing person, a mom that most would like to be like ( I know I would) you have a marriage to a man that is someone every man should be like and a child that has a laughter and a lust for life that all children should have. The struggles that you went through made you a better person and more able to help others out with more compassion and understanding than others would be able to offer. It also makes you one kick ass friend. You are where you were always ment to be with the man you were ment to be with and together you have a child that will be the light of your life for years to come!

    If you need a shoulder to cry on…laugh on or an ear to chew…Im always here for you…day or night!

  2. Dani

    June 30, 2008 at 2:13 pm

    Another big help is to have friends like you. Thanks for the kind words and the love. 🙂

  3. Brian

    July 4, 2008 at 7:07 pm

    I heart you, Phonemom.

  4. Kelly

    July 6, 2008 at 9:19 am

    It sounds like all your trials and tribulations in life turned you into an awesome person! I know through our limited emails you have helped me understand better what I’m going through. You are lucky to have found such and awesome man to support you and love you no matter what. Sounds like you have many friends and family there for you too. From what I know and have read you are a kind, supportive, awesome mother, fabulous wife, and many other things. Thanks for all your encouraging words and being there for me ….even though I have never met you…not too many people would do that. Your awesome!


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