Do you ever question the decisions you’ve made in the course of your life? Ever wonder what the path would look like if you had taken a different fork? It’s something I like to think about sometimes and replay where I am in my life. It’s just interesting to see the spots where I made a decision and then everything changed.
For instance, what if I had never moved to Rochester? Chosen Duquesne University instead of U or R for graduate school? Would I have finished the program? Maybe I would be a PhD right now instead of a laboratory technician. Maybe I’d be making more money and living in the city I grew up in instead of the snowy slopes of New York.
Except then I would never have met Brian.
And I really truly believe I was meant to find him here. I don’t want to imagine my life without him. He’s made me a better person and has made me more accepting of my limitations and who exactly I am. My family adores him, my life would be less bright without him and I wouldn’t have Jeffrey. And I would cross hot coals and fight whatever needs fighting for my son. He is easily the greatest thing I have ever created.
What if I hadn’t gone to Wilson? I don’t believe that I would be the person I am today without that little college. When I began there I had no confidence and I was just so damaged emotionally. I was engaged to an incredibly possessive and potentially abusive man. I don’t think I would have gotten away without the confidence and strength I gained there. Also it’s the first place that I got into real therapy and began to “fix” some of the emotional crap I was carrying around.
And that’s the biggest what if of all. What if the emotional “crap” hadn’t happened. I know I haven’t talked about it here. Mostly because I know my family reads and they don’t need to go through it all. But someday I’m putting it all out there and laying claim to it. I need to. I need to say that I am still a decent person and that I have thrived despite bad things happening. I need to look at my parents and let them know how fabulous they are for supporting MY decisions and letting me have control in situations that were beyond my grasp. I need to be able to say that I am a survivor and that bad situations don’t define what type of person you can become.
I want to be able to say that I like who I am and that the road that got me here is acceptable. I believe that the experiences we have in life mold us and push us toward who we will become. As much as I think I’d like to know who I would be if experiences were different? I wouldn’t be me. And slowly, over many years (and Brian wearing down on me) I am beginning to think that I am okay. True, I am hyper-emotional and occasionally a bitch, but I’m also focused, strong and when I love someone (be you friend or family) I will never let go and you will always have someone to turn to.
This really didn’t turn into the post I had intended but it went where I needed to to go. I’m off my meds and my emotions are making me reflective and whatnot.