Do you ever have one of those days where you’re in a great mood and all of the sudden it shifts?
Today is one of those days. Nothing happened. No horrible tragedy or even minor annoyance. It just seems like someone deflated my balloon. I’m pushing my exterior to be happy and sociable, but I can feel the pin pricks of tears building. I don’t understand me. Why can’t I just be happy? Why must it always be such a struggle to maintain a normal set of emotions?
I know my medication helps. I am not at vast extremes like I used to be. I can be a fun person to be around and I don’t collapse into sobs or stop talking to people for weeks at a time. But sometimes, I just want to withdraw for a few hours or a few days and I know that these thoughts are the start of something unhealthy and I have to push back against them.
A few weeks ago, I had this thought that I could stop taking my meds because I felt like I was doing so well. Thankfully my inner voice slapped me upside the head and reminded me that the meds are the reason why I’m doing well. I guess it’s good that I know my warning signs and that I try and take heed. Also I have Brian, who just loves me and Liane, who totally “gets” depression and what it means to vacillate from one emotion to the next. I just wish that it would go away and not come back.
Maybe tomorrow will be better.