Dumping Some Thoughts

30 May

Depression is an evil disease. It poisons your mind against yourself and makes it very difficult to determine whether you are behaving rationally. I, myself have been suffering from depression since the age of ten or eleven. All of the sudden it seemed as if my emotions had taken control of my actions.

Brian and I had an argument last night. It wasn’t particularly bad or life altering. It just raised the specter of depression and reminded me that it’s always there. I feel like there is this piece inside of me that is permanently broken and no matter what I do it still hurts. Brian doesn’t have a lot of patience for mental illness. He accepts that I have depression but he still treats it as if I can just wish it away. I would if I knew how. He’s very “man” about it. He wants to fix whatever is wrong and when he’s not able to make it better, he finds it frustrating. He wants it to be my choice and it’s not.

I have come to the conclusion that unless you suffer from mental illness you are almost incapable of comprehending it. It doesn’t make sense. It isn’t rational. It is not a choice. If I could wake up every morning look out the window and declare “today will be a good day!” I would. No one would ever choose to be confused and conflicted with warring emotions batting about your head.

Part of me feels guilty that I can’t make it go away. I take my medication. I use all the techniques that have been taught to me. I recognize my warning signs and take steps to prevent myself from spiraling further. Maybe I should still be in counseling but I really feel that ninety percent of the time I am completely in control. It’s just that other ten percent.

That ten percent is terrifying. In that ten percent I have had panic attacks where I have trembled and cried and wedged myself into “safe” places. I have hurt myself. I have hurt others and broken vows of friendship that cannot be reforged. In moments, I have destroyed things that took years to create. I have withdrawn from everything and everyone that I love in an effort to feel safe. I do not ever want to go back to that place. I am afraid that I will give this sickness to Jeffrey and that he will suffer from it as well. I am afraid that Brian will give up on me over that ten percent and leave me alone.

None of this comes from a rational or clear place. I am trying to find some clarity by expressing myself instead of keeping it bottled inside. I don’t think Brian will leave me or that I’m bad for Jeffrey. I don’t think that overall I’m in a bad place. I am just frightened of the reminders that I occasionally get.

Thanks for letting me vomit my thoughts all over the place. Sometimes the blog is a place for me to catch everyone up. In this case, it’s more of a way for me to journal my thoughts and empty my brain of its clutter.


Posted by on May 30, 2007 in depression


6 responses to “Dumping Some Thoughts

  1. Kellie

    May 30, 2007 at 2:52 pm

    Oh Dani….I’m sorry. I had some struggles with depression in the past and after Morgan was born. I’d like to think I’m better now, but not sure.

    You know you can call me or e-mail me ANYTIME, right? I may not be close enough to come over and hug you or help out with Jeffrey or anything else, but I’m close enough to listen and be here for you.

    Sending you big hugs and happy thoughts ๐Ÿ™‚

  2. bipolarbarbie

    May 30, 2007 at 6:03 pm

    I’ve been there. 90% of the time is good, 10% it’s like I’m in a coma. The depression seeps through my veins like some kind of poison. I left a very good job in a moment of panic (panic attack) and there is no way to get it back. That 10% can really screw up the other 90%. But I try to stay positive. The book The Secret has really helped me.

  3. Kelly M

    May 30, 2007 at 7:58 pm

    I’m so sorry to hear of your depression. I have had issues with this in the past and it truly does suck! I think the worst part about it is the helplessness feeling you have and thinking nothing can help! Brian loves you and would never leave you. Although he wants to “fix it”, he knows he can’t but he probably just hates seeing you in pain and suffering the 10% of the time. Keep your head up..and if you need to go back to getting counseling do it. I know that is what got me through a lot of my hard times!

  4. happyworkingmom

    May 31, 2007 at 8:50 am

    I’m so sorry. My mother has severe depression, and while I don’t 100% understand how you feel, I can sympathize a little having lived with a family member that has it. I also believe I may have seen signs of it in myself, but I hope it was just baby blues or something like that.

    It’s great that you take your medicine and do what you can…there are days my mom won’t take her medicine, and I can’t understand why. It’s a hard disease for anyone to comprehend…hubby was the same way as Brian until he watched my mom for 10 years.

    I don’t really have anything else to say, other than I’m here for you whenever you need me ๐Ÿ™‚ E-mail me, please, if you want. The one thing I know about depression is that you shouldn’t be alone when you’re feeling badly, even if at times that’s all you want.

  5. Rachel

    June 1, 2007 at 1:48 pm

    I’ve struggled with depression myself and, even though he’s bi-polar, my husband seems to think that there is some sort of magic pill that will make it all better. There’s not! I know I should be taking something, but, for me, the side effects are worse than not taking the meds. My husband tries to say that he is no longer bi-polar, but the kind he has does not ever go away. And, I can tell it’s still there.

    It’s frustrating to feel like your not in control of your own body. It’s good that your talking about it though, that will help.

  6. Kurt

    June 2, 2007 at 2:18 am

    Sounds like you need a vacation.

    I had no idea you struggled so much with this issue. I feel like a lousy friend for not knowing. For not supporting you more.

    Like Rachel says, I think it’s good you’re talking about it. Just expressing the symptoms in this forum may help you to combat/deal with them better.


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