Dinner and a side of angst

Oh, haven’t written in an age or two.

Went to AC last night for the PACK something dinner. It was yummy, I talked to people and didn’t embarrass myself. I feel so ridiculously awkward in these settings. I can handle it, but I get all flustered and nervous before hand. All the other people are just parents. But still? I guess I’m just nervous that I’ll be too “me”. I mean, I’m loud, very rarely do I stop talking (especially if I’m nervous), I love dorky tv shows, violent foreign cinema, I’m a little evangelical about comic books and I can be intensely literal and scientific. I adore my children, but occasionally want to sell them and overall I think I’m an alright mom. They love me so I guess I must be doing okay.
I’m very comfortable with who I am. I’m just not always sure if it’s all right with everyone around me. I spent so much of my childhood and adolescence trying to be an adult, that now that I’m here? I want to lay back and enjoy the world for a bit. My biggest worry is that I’m just going to stick my foot in my mouth (see above mention of my loquaciousness). I sat next to a lovely couple at dinner who is employed as a preacher. Good to know, didn’t spout off anything ridiculous or drop any f- bombs. I did a little bit later with another set of parents, but they told me I was “funny”, so I’ll take the compliment.
I don’t know. Obviously I over-analyze and get a little too anxious. BUT. I went. and I socialized. And no one asked me to leave and I didn’t swear at anyone important. So I count the evening as a win.

Side note: I’m never sure how I feel about the new Head of School. He seems like he has good ideas, but he never smiles and that weirds me out. I can’t really get a read on him. But damn can he give a talk because every time I hear him speak? I think that he’s the Pied Piper of Allendale and that I just want to follow where he’s going.

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Posted by on March 20, 2013 in General


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Work is where it is at.

So I mentioned the work thing right? We’re down to four people in the lab when we should have five. Of course in my dream world where I actually could focus on all of the things I need to do, there would be six of us. I’m trying to not let it get to me, but my stress level is just kinda going through the roof.

We have an ASHI inspection coming up (pick a day, any day between Aug 15th and Oct 15th) which is incredibly important and I have SO MUCH to do for it and not nearly enough time or energy. We have this stupid mock inspection to get us ready for the NY state inspection in early 2012. I wouldn’t think it stupid if we weren’t having an ACTUAL inspection during the same time period. Plus it takes me about 5-6 hours to get everything together for the mock one and it’s really time better spent elsewhere.

I’ve got some special projects lined up that are gathering dust because I just can’t take a moment to look at them.

We’re supposed to be replacing our computer system sometime in the next couple months and … I am so terrified of it. The new system will be fabulous but completely different than everything have now. And right now our workflow is janky because of the ridiculous system we have now. I’m super excited for the new one but the growing pains are not something we can really afford to have right now.

We’re interviewing but haven’t hired anyone yet. Which is fine because I’m a little terrified of how to add training a new person to the list of crap to do.

End on the fact that we’re all still on call and we’ve been booming lately and that regular everyday actual work has to get out? Plus when I go home I have to be wife and mom?

Means that I’m really stressed. I hate that I look into my crystal ball and see no breaks coming. At all. I can’t take any vacation during the ASHI time period because they need me for the inspection. I’m on call at Thanksgiving and no one knows who will be on for Christmas as it was the responsibility of the person let go. So I’m looking at you 2012. You are apparently the next time that I can consider slowing down and taking a break.

That kinda makes me want to jump off a roof. I had pinned so much hope on things calming down once Brian started at Allendale. Then my job had to go and get all crazy.

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Posted by on July 31, 2011 in blah, craziness, work


What I’m watching – July Part 1

It’s been a pretty heavy movie month for us. Myth still isn’t working so since we can’t watch any real tv, I’ve been wallowing in movies and rewatching Dr. Who. We’ve made it out to a couple movies (WOW!) and I’m enjoying the summer movie season so far. Since I’ve started keeping track of what I’ve been watching, the list seems to have grown too long for one post. So I’m splitting it up into several. Here’s part 1 -Enjoy!

Black Swan: Wow! I loved this movie. The psychological and sometimes physical breakdown of Natalie Portman in this movie is astounding. The movie is all her and she shines in her transformation from frigid white swan to the sexy intense black swan. I love how you are left wondering at the end, what was real and what was a composition of her mind. The movie is a brilliant mind fuck and I look forward to a rewatch so that I might catch all the little intricacies of her descent.
The film was directed by Darren Aronofsky, whom I adore. I love the way he composes his shots. The way he lingers on things a little longer than is comfortable. I’m a huge fan of his prior films and I am ecstatic that the success of this film (Budget $13M, Worldwide gross $326M) will give him license to make whatever he wants and the money to back it up. I fell in love with his filmmaking when I watched Requiem for a Dream. Another intense, uncomfortable, screw with your head sort of movie. He’s a fabulous director that chooses intricate and interesting projects. I cannot wait to see what he comes up with next.

Robocop: 1987 classic. How can you not love this movie? Brian and I thought it would be a fun rewatch and for me, it pretty much holds up. I loved realizing that the dad from That 70’s show is the villain. I’m not sure if it’s actually a good movie or if it’s just nostalgia talking, but I really enjoy this flick. Also, there are all kinds of conflicting info about a possible reboot coming soon and a statue in Detroit.(Paid for by the Internet!!) It was fun and I’m not ashamed of my love for it.

Last of the Living: This movie was horrible. Actually we only sat through about 20 minutes before giving up. Three loser guys sitting around their apartment in a zombie apocalypse world. Amazingly electricity and water are still on. The action was awful. I know it was low budget but even I couldn’t get behind it. Ugh.

28 Weeks Later: The sequel to 28 Days Later. The American military has come into Britain 28 weeks after the Rage virus destroyed the country. All of the infected are dead and they are attempting to clean up and start anew. Of course nothing goes according to plan and the virus is once again unleashed on the populace that has returned. The tension is high, the action fast and intense and I cared about the characters. It was a fun horror/zombie genre flick and I’d definitely recommend it.

So that’s it for now. I’ve got some more in the queue to write up and I’ll post it as soon as I get the chance. Good night internetz.

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Posted by on July 28, 2011 in Movies


What I’m watching -June edition

Random rundown of the things we’ve watched in the past few weeks.

1st up -Movies

  • Green Lantern: It was okay. Not the greatest of movies but Ryan Reynolds is nice to look at. I wish that it had taken advantage of the whole green lantern core idea instead of it being Ryan Reynolds on his own. I think the CGI of the GL planet was awesome and the character of Sinestro was great. I wasn’t a huge fan of the post credit sequence. I think it would have been a better idea to use another movie to build this villain instead of revealing it at the end like this. Overall I wish it had a little less angsty Ryan Reynolds. It’s hard to watch a gorgeous guy who is an elite fighter pilot and is handed a super power mope around whining that life isn’t good enough.
  • Super 8: Best Movie of the Year so far. I LOVED this film. It brought back all my nostalgia from films like the Goonies, E.T., and Close Encounters. Yes, it was built to be this way but I totally bought into it. The relationships between the kids were believable. The leaving in the morning and not coming home until dark. I remember that!! The creature wasn’t revealed too soon but when it was, it was well done. Brian thought that the train derailment was a bit much but I was okay with a bit of overdone action/shit blowing up. I enjoyed it. Absolutely recommend seeing this!
On to DVD/Netflix instant activity
  • Machete: Of course I loved this movie. Actually I watched it once and then watched it again with Brian. It was a movie made based off a fake trailer for Grindhouse. It was handpicked for me to love. Gratuitous violence, hokey plot. Daniel Trejo and Jessica Alba… Steven Seagal is the villain. I am a huge fan of Robert Rodriguez and this movie just totally did it for me. If you like grindhouse, horror/exploitation movies you’ll like this. 🙂  Gets me super excited to see the other based on a fake trailer movie Hobo with a Shotgun!
  • Man of the Year: Ugh. This movie was awful. It could have been salvaged if only it knew what it wanted to be. The first half, decent comedy. The second half, thriller involving election fraud. Together? Disjointed and unfunny. If it could have made a decision it might have been okay. A waste of two hours.
  • Party Down: A Starz show that lasted for two seasons. It has Adam Scott and Jane Lynch (1st season only) as caterers in CA. They’re all struggling actors and trying to make their dreams come true while handling celebrities and debutantes galore. I wanted to watch this based on the recommendation of the the /filmcast and it’s a great watch. The humor is dry, the characters are quirky. It fills that Christopher Guest spot in my heart and makes me laugh. I’ve only finished the first season but I’ll be sad when it comes to an end.
  • Torchwood and Dr. Who: I am a late entry in to the Whoniverse and I absolutely LOVE it. I started with the reboot in 2005 and was immediately taken with the series. I’ve watched series 1 and 2 several times at this point and I’m working my way toward the current series. I restarted it in midstride so that I could show/force Brian to watch it with me. Thankfully he forgives me these little things.
    Along with Dr. Who, I discovered the spinoff Torchwood. TW is awesome. I haven’t watched the Children of Earth series yet as I know if alienated a lot of fans but I’m getting there. They are also doing a new series in the US (WTF?) for Starz. While I’m excited to see more Jack Harkness, it’s also such a definitively British show. I’m not sure how it’s going to work when it’s not in Cardiff. Doesn’t matter though, I’ll be watching when I can. (Which of course means when it’s available for purchase or Netflix. Don’t see us springing for cable anytime soon.)
July holds more Party Down, Dr. Who and Torchwood as well as some DVD’s to watch. We’ve got Black Swan and Sunshine waiting on the telly at the moment. Can’t wait to watch and give my two cents.
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Posted by on July 5, 2011 in General, Movies


And How.

We let someone go from work this week. I won’t go into any details except to say that it was abrupt, that none of us were expecting it and that has thrown the lab into a tailspin.

First, I’m worried about this person. They had worked here for a significant amount of time and I want to see them be happy and be able to care for their family.

Second, we’re a man down. In the summer. Prime vacation time and it means that we are just scrambling to keep up the bare minimum. We only had 5 people to begin and now we’re looking at some weeks where there are only two of us here. And if one of those two gets pulled in on call? Pandemonium.

I made some lists the on Wednesday of things I need to accomplish off the bench. Then I had an anxiety attack. Did some deep breathing and I think I have it under control now but I’m also trying to keep the rest of the lab in the right frame of mind. It made me realize that we are running too lean. I’m all for efficiency but I figure it’s going to take us about a year to recover. It’ll take some time to hire someone new and then in general it takes about 6-9 months to get said person up to speed and on call. In the meantime, I’ll be training this person so my actual time will shrink down even further.

To think a few weeks ago, I thought that things were looking up. Now I just want to make it through the next year here with as little hyperventilating and as few tears as possible. Wish me luck.

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Posted by on June 24, 2011 in craziness, work


When I don’t know what to do?

One of the things I hate about parenting is the not knowing what to do. What to do when your kid isn’t doing the things you want but you’re out of ideas and methods to change their behavior. We go through ups and downs with Jeffrey (as all children do). He’ll go through a particularly fabulous phase before regressing and testing us and our boundaries once again.
Well, we’re at that tumultuous period again and it frustrates me to no end. He’s being disrespectful to his teachers, he’s having accident’s (like 2 or 3 a day) and then lying and saying that he spilled water on himself. We have been particularly crazy of late. Since Easter we have driven out and back to Lake George twice, once to Pittsburgh and I spent an entire week gone for a funeral. But we’re getting back to normal. Finally and he’s just letting his frustration out on us…

Which doesn’t make it any easier. I’m not sure how to deal with it. He does not react well to having things taken away. I don’t mean that we don’t do that but he works much better by earning rewards. You just get WAY better results by asking him to earn a birthday party rather than threatening to take it away. Whatever we’re doing needs to be presented so that he’s earning rather than losing.

And the problem? I guess is that I’m exhausted and I don’t know what things he has up to “earn”.  And I still don’t know what to do when he’s angry and throws himself on the floor instead of talking. I don’t know how to address the accidents so that I’m not making him embarrassed or ashamed of it, but still getting it to stop. We could go and talk to the pediatrician again but I’m pretty sure we’re just going to hear that we’re doing a good job, that he may indeed have aspergers, and that we need to wait longer for a diagnosis, that he’s challenging us and for goodness sake we were JUST there last month.

He’s a good kid. He’s smart and articulate and funny. But he drives me bonkers and I’m just having a hard week of it. I need to vent and I just wish I knew all the answers/

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Posted by on May 20, 2011 in behavior, Jeffrey, parenting


The Grind

Brian’s job sucks. The hours blow, his free time is non-existent, and his stress level is through the roof. He is moody and miserable and I am trying SO HARD to be happy cheery lady of the house. But I was not made for this. I am a glass half empty girl. I deal in harsh reality and the idea that if you prepare for the worst, whatever happens will be easier. Brian is light and fun and optimistic. He has such a giving nature and he loves his family and friends tremendously. I miss that Brian.

I’m trying to give him the ability to feel the way he feels. I don’t want him to have to cover it up and act happy but I want things to change so that he WILL be happy. I’m ready for him to find a new job, a new career, a new whatever. As long as it brings him back up from the depths.

It’ll turn. Soon I hope. He’ll move on or up or into a better place when the timing is right. I just want him to be happy. It makes me sad to watch him be so burnt out on life.

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Posted by on April 20, 2011 in Brian