T-minus several hours

Just a quick update. I’m doing much better today. Brian and I had a good talk last night and I feel like we’re in a better place. Thank you all for your supportive comments and for letting me vent all over the place. Sometimes you just need to do that, ya know.

Anyway, when I get home from work tonight we will be feeding boy and packing to take off on … vacation. Ahh, just the word feels relaxing. We’re going to mom’s tonight to drop off Jeffrey and then early Saturday (like 3 or 4am) we’re leaving for Outer Banks. We can get into our house at 4pm so hopefully we’ll time it right.

I’m bringing bathing suits, my laptop and fourteen books. All I need is some wine and I’ll be set for the week. I’m looking forward to lounging and catching up on (the hundreds) of blog posts that I am behind. Woo hoo, everyone will get comments from me next week!

Published in:  on May 31, 2007 at 3:30 pm Comments (4)

Dumping Some Thoughts

Depression is an evil disease. It poisons your mind against yourself and makes it very difficult to determine whether you are behaving rationally. I, myself have been suffering from depression since the age of ten or eleven. All of the sudden it seemed as if my emotions had taken control of my actions.

Brian and I had an argument last night. It wasn’t particularly bad or life altering. It just raised the specter of depression and reminded me that it’s always there. I feel like there is this piece inside of me that is permanently broken and no matter what I do it still hurts. Brian doesn’t have a lot of patience for mental illness. He accepts that I have depression but he still treats it as if I can just wish it away. I would if I knew how. He’s very “man” about it. He wants to fix whatever is wrong and when he’s not able to make it better, he finds it frustrating. He wants it to be my choice and it’s not.

I have come to the conclusion that unless you suffer from mental illness you are almost incapable of comprehending it. It doesn’t make sense. It isn’t rational. It is not a choice. If I could wake up every morning look out the window and declare “today will be a good day!” I would. No one would ever choose to be confused and conflicted with warring emotions batting about your head.

Part of me feels guilty that I can’t make it go away. I take my medication. I use all the techniques that have been taught to me. I recognize my warning signs and take steps to prevent myself from spiraling further. Maybe I should still be in counseling but I really feel that ninety percent of the time I am completely in control. It’s just that other ten percent.

That ten percent is terrifying. In that ten percent I have had panic attacks where I have trembled and cried and wedged myself into “safe” places. I have hurt myself. I have hurt others and broken vows of friendship that cannot be reforged. In moments, I have destroyed things that took years to create. I have withdrawn from everything and everyone that I love in an effort to feel safe. I do not ever want to go back to that place. I am afraid that I will give this sickness to Jeffrey and that he will suffer from it as well. I am afraid that Brian will give up on me over that ten percent and leave me alone.

None of this comes from a rational or clear place. I am trying to find some clarity by expressing myself instead of keeping it bottled inside. I don’t think Brian will leave me or that I’m bad for Jeffrey. I don’t think that overall I’m in a bad place. I am just frightened of the reminders that I occasionally get.

Thanks for letting me vomit my thoughts all over the place. Sometimes the blog is a place for me to catch everyone up. In this case, it’s more of a way for me to journal my thoughts and empty my brain of its clutter.

Published in:  on May 30, 2007 at 11:52 am Comments (6)

New Theme

Do you like the new theme? I realize that I change the background themes as often as my moods but I figured I’d ask.

Keep it or change it back?

Published in:  on May 25, 2007 at 4:05 am Comments (6)

The Long Night

I am really tired.
Why then am I writing this post at 3:34am? The night before my husband’s graduation?
Of course I can’t sleep.
I jinxed myself, talked about it at dinner and now here I am sitting in my living room at 3am. To be fair, I did toss in bed for about an hour and a half before deciding to come on downstairs.
I mean what do you do after lying there for an hour willing yourself to sleep.
The funny thing is I’m sleepy. I’m in no way wide awake.
My eyes are tired, my body feels tired, Lord knows my mind feels tired. Unfortunately, instead of drifting into blissful slumber my muscles are rigid and tight and I just can’t seem to force myself to relax long enough to fall back asleep.

I’m using Brian’s *new* laptop since I can’t seem to locate mine at the moment. Brian took today to clean the house since family is visiting and I’m not sure where he put it.
I didn’t think it appropriate to wake him and ask. Luckily his was on the table so I used this as an excuse to play with it.
We’ve finally come to the agreement that I need a new laptop.
Mine just isn’t cutting it anymore.
It’s too slow to run vista. Which isn’t a major problem at the moment but will be as more programs come out for it. Plus it has the aggravating habit of crashing on startup. 4 or 5 times before it will let you log in properly. It’s really annoying. And now, it has the whopping battery life of about 20 minutes. Not a huge problem if I’m always plugged in, but occasionally I’d like not to be. It is a laptop, ya know?
We looked up pricing and specs on new ones the other night. I’m hoping that maybe by the end of summer we’ll have the capital to go ahead and get one. Very much looking forward to Brian’s impending paychecks. It will be so nice to be a two income family again!
Well I’ve rambled on enough. Guess I’ll try my hand at sleeping on the couch for awhile. Goodnight.
I’m very jealous of his new one. It’s very nice. Obviously he needs this a whole heck of a lot more than I ever would.

Published in:  on at 2:48 am Comments (2)

Go truck go

Have I mentioned Jeffrey likes trucks? I mean really really likes trucks? I bought him some new books at B&N the other day and they are clear favorites. The funny thing is that they are too big for him to carry in one hand so he sorta cries at you and drags it behind him. It’s awful to be a baby sometimes.
I fear that we may be raising a gear head. What will Brian and I do? We’re so not inclined that way.
It’s so fun to see how boyish Jeffrey is. I mean it’s like he’s programmed to be excited about cars and trucks and dirt. Vroom vroom! I love how he lights up when he sees a fork lift at the garden center or a school bus drive down the road. It’s amazing to look at the world through his eyes.
I go to work everyday and tell everyone how “adorable” our child is. He really is. Everyday he just surprises and amazes me (and exhausts). He has such boundless energy and curiosity for everything around him. What a gift.

Published in:  on May 23, 2007 at 10:07 pm Comments (2)